The jokes
Why are the Americans good at Rubik's cubes? Because they have a long history of separating colors.
Why are Americans bad at chess? Because they have already lost two towers.
It hasn't been the same since Kobe died. I can't say "Kobe" anymore when going to shoot a shot. Now I have to say, "Kobe crash!"
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.
What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
"Ow! You hit the spot!"
Yo momma's so ugly that she made One Direction turn into the Other Directions.
The ocean will kill you to death expensively if you're on Titanic. Buying the tickets was a waste of money.
So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
What’s the difference between an orphan and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledge hammer, and the other one is just a watermelon.
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for "poo."
What's the artist imagine something?
Imagine Dragons!
Imagine draggin' these nuts across your face!
She's so fat that when she steps onto a wood floor, the floorboard doesn't creak, it screams: "Goddamn!!!" before it snaps from the weight.
How do Chinese people name their kids?
They throw them down the stairs and see what noise they make! WA WA WAAAAAAAAAAAA!
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple always gets picked. 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.
Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.
Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.
What did Satin say to God??
"Bitch, what the fuck you looking at?"