SOS jokes

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

Yo mama so fat the last time I saw 90210 was when she stepped on the scale.

Lucky for me I'm only 210.

Yo mama is so strict that Thanos couldn't collect the Infinity Stones until he had done his homework.

Your mama so fat that when you were born, yo mama gave you carpet burn.

Why are hindustan bhai so good at Python?

When they are hungry, they use Python and take credit card information ;). You know what they say, you give a man a curry and he eats for a day, you give a man a language and he eats for a lifetime.

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

I called my sister a party pooper after she came to my party uninvited.

Grampa said that the only ones who poop at parties are the ones who don't get invited.

So I guess that means I was the party pooper at my own birthday?

Alright, so I have a few orphan jokes. I'm gonna put them all in one message.

Why can't orphans be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."

Why can't orphans go on a field trip? Parent signature: ______

New teacher: I used to be an orphan as a kid. Students: hahaha Teacher: Is anyone missing? Students: No one, just your parents.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They kept calling everyone "daddy."

Why do orphans have the iPhoneX? Because it has no home button.

Your daddy's so fat, he tripped over a rock. He thought it was a chip.

Your hairline is so bent, not even NASA can find it.

What did the blender say to the orange juice?

"What the fuck are you, you are so fucking stupid, shut the fuck up."

My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.

I want to be like pizza so I can get cut into 8 pieces.

Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

"Hey, kid, why are you so fat?"

"Why did you insult him? That's not nice."

"It won't matter, he's deaf."

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Your mama so slow, she went by a TV and missed eight episodes.

Your mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete cracked up.