SOS jokes

Why was an oven so smart?

It had 70 degrees.

Why is Biden a priest?

So kids call him father.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.

Why do orphans like to have sex?

So they can finally have someone to call "daddy."

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Yo mama so vegetarian that she loves the Vegan Teacher!

My sister is so dumb, she genuinely spent lockdown studying for a COVID test.

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.

Why are so many Americans stupid? Because they shoot the ones that go to school.

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.

Yo mama is so fat, when she was a spy, she was called "double obese."

My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.

I told an orphan that I watch Family Guy, and he seemed disappointed, so I reminded him that he has no family.

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.