Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
Muslim religion is just pregnant women saying "Allahu Akbar" and exploding a bus.
If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.
Do you know when an African doesn't feel hungry?
When he is dead.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.
I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.
A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A Chinese drunk and a Jewish drunk are sitting together on a park bench.
After finishing his drink, the Jew takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Chinese drunk.
"What the hell was that for?" asks the Chinese man, rubbing his head.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" he exclaims in return.
"Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean... you're all the same to me," the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave.
The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench. The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Jew.
"Why the hell did you do that?" the Jewish man stammers.
"That was for the Titanic!" explains the Chinese drunk.
"The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!" the Jew replies.
"Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg... you're all the same to me," the Chinese drunk happily retorts.
Minimalism is a scam created by Big Small to sell more less.
Drake has too much meat. Donate to the people in need.
Q: Why do Americans fish with guns?
A: To shoot up the whole school.
The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
What did the cannibal say when his friend fell on the floor?
"5 second rule!"
A boy asks his father:
"What is politics?"
Father answers:
"It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business. Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.
Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law.
Our maid is the working class.
Everything revolves around your interests, so you’re the people. Your little baby brother represents the future."
The boy has to think it over. That night he hears his little brother crying due to a dirty diaper. He doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to the bedroom of his parents. There his mother is sound asleep. He goes to the bedroom of the maid, but his father is there fucking the maid — and oddly enough his grandfather is watching through the window.
Nobody notices the boy and he returns to his bed.
The next day his father asks him:
"So, can you now explain to me what politics is?"
The boy says:
"Yes, it’s all become clear to me!
Big business screws over the working class while the law watches and the government sleeps. The people are ignored and the future lies in shit."
So, I was walking around the outside of the building and I saw a kid and asked, "Where's your parents?" I love working at the orphanage.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
Why do white people own a lot of pets?
Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.
Why was the orphan so successful?
When the options were either go big or go home, he only had one option :(
What would Bill Cosby be if he was white?
Innocent.
Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
