Sick jokes
You want to hear a dirty joke?
This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.
Where do bunnies go when they're sick?
The hoppital.
Q. What do you give a sick lemon?
A. Lemon-aid.
Q: What will we give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid.
If you read this, you fucked your dad and your 4-year-old sister, you sick fuck... At least wait till they are 15.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and sick his dick.
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife leave him? She was sick of buying triple A batteries.
What happens when you get a virus-related sickness? It goes viral on Twitter!
How do you know a vampire's sick?
If he's coffin (coughing?)
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
Duck my sick.
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
You people are sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these are funny. Sick sick sick!!!!!!!
I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!