Outing jokes
I can NOT take any responsibility and credit for this, it just said what's your favourite joke so I'm writing it in favor of them: A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny.
The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
I was walking home when I saw children crossing the street on their own. I went towards him and tapped his shoulder and said, "Hey, little kid, you are not supposed to be walking on your own." The kid turns out to be a dwarf.
You're so ugly you scared the crap out of the toilet!
I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.
An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"
Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.
Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?
She kept getting the metal detector out.
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.
Why do feminists eat so much pussy?
To get the taste of dick out of their mouths.
Does it cycle now, you stupid bitches?
How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?
When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.
Why did the orphan kill himself when he found out who his dad was? Because he found out his dad was Donald Trump.
One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.
What did the kangaroo 🦘 bring to the cookout?
A jump rope!
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.
Join us for more of the story, after the break!
So the fire alarm went off, but as soon as they walked out of the classroom, the only fire they saw was out of a gun.