What did the iceberg say to the firefighter?
"Come close and I’ll knock you out cold!"
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
What did the grape say when the Meerkat stepped on it?
It said nothing, just let out a little wine.
I ain't shaking anyone's hand, not because of the Coronavirus... I ain't shaking anyone's hand because y'all out of toilet paper!
Hi 👋 I love 💕 you walk in and out the door 🚪 night I did not
Why are a gun and a bag of chips alike?
You pull them out at school and everyone wants to be ur friend
There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.
They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.
Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.
Are the three little pigs orphans because their mom kicked them out of the house?
Hi 👋 I love 💗 you walk in and out the door 🚪 night. I did not have time today. I was just a little bit and I had to walk home from home after dinner. I
Hi 👋 I love 💕 you walk in and out oon
Friend 1: Eyyy gurl
Me: Hey! (Fake smile)
Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?
6 hours later
Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?
Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?
My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."
Zozo went to the store and walked out with nothing, why?
Zozo the hobo is a hobo, remember? He doesn’t have any money.
Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.
The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”
As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."
Why does the orange 🍊 beat the other fruits 🍎 in every race?
Because it never runs out of juice.
Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.
How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?
They boil the hell out of it.
Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!
What goes in and takes a while to come out?
