Optimist jokes

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

The optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The feminist thinks the glass is raping them.

What's the most optimistic blood type? B+.

What disease causes wrinkled clothes? An iron deficiency.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

The optimistic midget's coffin was half full.

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

The happier they get, the less they see.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

I am right 95 percent of the time, who cares about that other 5 percent?