Old people jokes

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?

Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

What do old people and meth heads have in common? They usually trip over their balls.

Why did Jeffery Dahmer not eat old people?

He does not like roasted vegetables.

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

What do old people have when they are sick.

A going away party.

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

What does Leo have in common with a newspaper?

They both love to yap and babble, and they always get fondled by old people.

Old people all ways get in the way some times don't they all ways to sloow when they are in front of you and make silly exsgouses dont they it is some times beyond a joke ! Lol

Where are fart bombs made?

Old people's arses!

Why don't nurses like giving old people baths or showers?

Because they don't want their vegetables to get soggy.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?

Suicide Boomer.

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.