Off jokes

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

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    • What did the chicken say when he saw a human running around uncontrollably?

    "It's running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"

    I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

    My brother got his legs chopped off, but someone FBI opened my basement door, but it wasn't my brother because he died of starvation in the basement.

    WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!

    Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?

    Five little monkeys jumping on a bed.

    One fell off and bumped his head. Mamma called Walmart, and Walmart said,

    "We will give you a replacement!"

    People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

    And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

    People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

    And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

    What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

    A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

    This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.

    (Do you get the joke?)

    (Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)

    I told my dad that I’m gay. He replied, “No, you're retarded.” Then he went off to kiss a baby.

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    • if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

    What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.