Nothing Jokes

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

Kid: I'm hungry.

Dad Bot: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

Teenager: I'm Hitler did nothing wrong.

Dad Bot: Hi Hitler did nothing wrong, I'm dad.

Nazi: Finally!

Why did Sally fail her final exam?

Because she had nothing written down.

I have two heads, four eyes, and six ears, what am I?

Ugly.

There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!

What's the difference between all the jokes on this page? Nothing, they're all knockoffs of old jokes you've already heard that aren't funny. Penis!

My mom's name is Angel, and she is nothing like one!

Especially in bed...

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you haven't told her twice.

What's the difference between pussy and pizza... nothing because I'll eat them both.

What did the baritone say to the alto?

Nothing, you couldn’t hear him.

What do you call a moose that doesn't want to be known? Anonymoose.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

What’s the difference between a Canadian and a unicorn?

Nothing, they’re both mythical creatures.

What’s the difference between an Englishman and a unicorn?

Nothing.

What does the donkey say to the other donkey?:

Nothing, donkeys don't talk.

What can you tell [is] the difference between Stephen Hawking and a carrot?

Nothing.

What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him when he came home drunk?

Nothing... she couldn't tell.

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?

Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.

Q - What’s the difference between a priest and McDonald’s? A - Nothing! They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns