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Heroin Monkey · 2 years ago

1) buy a lobster
[deleted] by
My friend is in forensics and works on crime
scenes. They find a woman laying on the
bathroom floor with a head wound and live
baby shrimp on the floor with a smell of burnt
residue. After 3 days of investigation, they
figured out what happened.
Long story short, she bought a lobster from
the market. In the market, they feed the
lobster live baby shrimp until they're sold. This
woman brings the lobster home, inserts the
lobster's tail into her vagina, lights a lighter
and puts the flame towards the lobster's head,
so the lobster will frantically start shaking his
tail (which is inside her vagina), giving her the
jollies. Apparently she killed the lobster from
burning his head too long, the lobster, being
dead, voids his bowels, causing this lobster to
shit live baby shrimp into her vagina. This
woman then goes to pee and sees live baby
shrimp crawling out of her vagina, she freaks
out, falls, and cracks her head open on the
bathtub and dies.
it happened in Chicago in 2001
?
---
14
1) wait for horny
Chicago 2001
"Lobster Love" Incident

Sex

randomone · 2 years ago

Sex with a downy simplified

A meme split into two sections. The left side shows two peaches and a banana with text “THIS SIDE UP”. The right side is a photo of a person with Down syndrome and the text “THIS SIDE DOWN”. Below these two images is the text “THIS IS HOW SEX WITH A DOWNY GOES”.

Heaven

Heroin Monkey · 2 years ago

A meme showing three men, likely religious figures, seated at a panel. The top text states, "These guys say women YouTubers can't go to heaven because men have masturbated over them." Below the image, a screenshot of a social media comment reads, "Rubbed one out for them, now no one goes to heaven."

Bear

Heroin Monkey · 2 years ago

A person in a red uniform shows a screen with code to a bear walking away in the forest. The text above the image says: "If you meet a bear in the forest, just ask him to review your pull request so he pretends he didn't notice you and goes away".

Plant

Shitpost master-general · 11 months ago

A four-panel comic. In the first panel, a woman with a green bow in her hair waters a basil plant with a red watering can. In the second, she looks sad while watering an empty pot labeled "Thyme", next to other pots labeled "Rosemary" and "Nirnroot". In the third panel, she asks a man, "Honey, why isn't my Thyme growing?" He replies, "Be patient. Give it some Thyme." In the fourth panel, the woman is in a hospital bed with an IV drip. A bear-like doctor shows her an X-ray of a human chest, with a bone clearly labeled "Thymus". The comic is attributed to Enzo Comics and CUEK.CO.

Valentine Day

Ruv_Fnf_Simp7256 · 3 years ago

How a regular Valentines day goes:

A drawing shows a tall character with a gray color palette wearing a winter hat and jacket, holding a pink box of chocolate. Speech bubbles near the character say, "hope she'll like it" and "chocolate". Next to this character is another, smaller character with pink hair whose speech bubble says, "Happy white Valentine!!" and "waht! up vuv?" There are some decorative pink hearts and squiggles around the image.

Brain

tabs1528 · 2 years ago

A cartoon penguin with a confused expression is superimposed with a translucent image of itself looking like it is phasing out. The text above the penguin reads, "WHEN MY BRAIN GOES ON A LITTLE ADVENTURE," and the text below reads, "INSTEAD OF ATTENDING THE CONVERSATION I'M HAVING."

Feminist

Heroin Monkey · 2 years ago

The image shows a picture of Luce Irigaray at the top. Below, there is an excerpt from an article discussing her views on physics and sex. At the bottom there is a picture of Fry from Futurama with the caption: "I HAVE TRANSCENDED ABOVE AND BEYOND THE EMOTION OF ANGER".

Smoke detector

Shitpost master-general · 11 months ago

An old colored photograph shows a man resembling Albert Einstein standing in front of a blackboard, gesturing towards a drawing of a 9-volt battery and a smoke detector with the word "Chirp!!" next to it. A group of young Black men, dressed in suits and ties, are seated in rows, attentively watching him. The top text reads: "So as you can see, the smoke detector has a 9 volt battery which goes here..."

Homie

Lil’ bro · 1 year ago

Spongebob sitting in a red armchair with an unimpressed expression. Above Spongebob is the text "NO HOMIE GOES UN-KISSED" and below Spongebob is the text "IGHT IMMA HEAD OUT".

Chad

原田 · 2 years ago

A black and white photo of a muscular man in a white tank top and jeans. Above him is text that reads: “> goes to onlychads.fans > invests in Chad trading card NFTs > gets stonks for the boys > leaves”. A very small watermark "SLEEKINTEARS" is visible in the lower right corner.

Rapper

RapBoat · 2 years ago

A screenshot of a Reddit thread. The title reads "sounds about right. Fucking typical. This is how it goes with anyone I talk to". The thread shows a user asking to name two hip-hop artists so they can be compared. The first response is asking whether they meant "Aesop rock or Lupe fiasco". Then there's a response that claims that Lupe is better as a lyricist. Another user asks if they meant "aesop rock or asap rocky" because they are different rappers, to which the user replies he meant asap and that he never actually listened to Aesop rock.

Fart

The Sproose Moose · 5 years ago

What's the sharpest thing in the world?

A fart... it goes straight through your pants without leaving a hole.

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