Kid jokes

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.

Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?

Kid: I don't know.

Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.

Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.

*Officer arrests Elmo*

Elmo: But who wants tickles?

What’s the difference between a leaf and an emo kid falling out of a tree? The leaf reaches the ground.

I went to go hang out with the emo kids, but they already did.

Why do kids like to pick on orphans?

Because they can't call their parents.

That awkward moment when a fat kid says, “That’s how I roll.”

Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you, or they'll send your kid back.

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

1+1 answer 2 said all the kids, but 1 kid said 5. Then I said your mom feels embarrassed because everyday you look into the mirror, you see how empty your brain is.

What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.

Adopting a kid is like having a yard sale! I mean, if the owners don't want it anymore, what makes you think I want it?

I threw a dodgeball at a blind kid and got him out... guess I can say he didn't see it coming!

What does the dumb kid say to the blind kid?

"Long time no see!"

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

Why did the emo kid not cross the road?

He was waiting for a car.

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

The kid in the wheelchair was getting bullied, so I encouraged him to stand up for himself. I don't know why he started crying.

What did Osama Bin Laden's kids not inherit after his death?

His hide-and-seek skills.