The Best Way to Masturbate

Listen up, you knucklehead. You asked how to masturbate, and the answer is to get someone else to do it for you. Now, I know that you are not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even you can grasp the blatant contradiction there. It's funny because it's stupid. You see, the concept of masturbation is that YOU are performing the action on YOURSELF. This whole 'somebody else' thing? Completely antithetical to the nature of self-love.