HA jokes
What is the difference between an orphan and a snake?
A snake has a home to go to underground.
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
Friend 1: I HATE YOU!
Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!
Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*
Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.
All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*
A man with 20 dollars walked into Dave & Buster's. He went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He walked out without any clothes but still has his money.
HEY! You guys need to S T O P making Stephen Hawking jokes. He has done so much for the theoretical physics world, and THIS is how you choose to repay him? All 653 of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Memes
Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.
The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:
"Num num num num num!"
Why did Sarah call off the swing? Because she has no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sarah.
What has 5 legs, 3 arms, and 7 feet?
The finish line at the marathon bombing.
Roses are red, your mother has said, "Come back again, and you'll be dead!"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Steve!"
"Steve who?"
Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.
Poopy pants! Ha! Got 'em! Use Code Fred_5001 in the Fortnite item shop.
Africa has every gun except for what?
A water gun.
Why do orphans want an iPhone S? Because it has a home screen.
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it has many problems.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?
Why does an orphan hate playing baseball?
Because it has no home base.
She's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a mirror.
You're so bald, the Hair Club for Men has elected you president.
What has a head, a tail, but no body?