HA jokes

When a kid says, "I'm a pedophile," it means that he has a crush on one of his classmates.

When an adult says it, he is accused as a rapper.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

What do you call a man who likes rape jokes?

A fucking disgusting scumbag with no intelligence whatsoever. If you actually joke about this, you are the reason humanity has faded.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I did not say banana? Ha ha!

New Orleans cuisine has always been my favorite; however, I only eat gumbo on oc-cajun.

Brother: Your nuts!

Sister: What do you mean? You're the one that has the nuts!

Have you ever seen Helen Keller's dog?

Neither has she.

You're so fat your ass has 2 zip codes.

Why is 1 equal to 22?

4 is too busy and one has the 21s to 4!

What's the difference between a nun and a prostitute taking a bath?

The nun has a soul full of hope...

What is the difference between the snow boots on a tree house that has to walk home and walk home?

Yo mama's ass is so fat it has its own congressman.

If I busted an egg on your head.... the yolk would be on you... ha ha ha!!!

What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

My dad is unlucky.

Random words in my keyboard:

The most annoying part of this game has always been that the players don’t know how much time it takes to get to the table before you start playing them.

So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.

About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."

What do you call a fish that has a dick?

Moby Dickkkkk!

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”