A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
A twin engine has two engines.
If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.
Carys’s mum has chemo.
My owl turned 180 today.
He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.
What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one.
What has a kid with cancer and Peter Pan in common?
They will never grow up.
What do you call a cow that has two legs shorter on one side of its body compared to the other?
LEAN BEEF!
What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...
I made a website for orphans.
It has no home page.
http://zebrahumor.wordpress.com has more zebra jokes.
A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"
Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."
Man: "But I am already in love with you."
And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.
The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.
Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."
And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.
Man: "And here is some candy."
And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.
One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."
Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"
Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"
The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"
And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.
999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"
Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."
999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."
1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.
Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."
And the police show up.
First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"
The girl points to the man and says "This man."
Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."
Man: "No, wait! I can explain."
Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."
When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."
One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.
The police see him and run after him.
Third Policeman: "Come back here!"
The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.
And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.
Anyone who says they don't like cats has never had one cooked right...
We have some leak in the fridge. I'm surprised nobody has called a plumber.
What has two arms and two legs but can’t walk or run?
Stephen Hawking.
How do you know if an Asian has broke into your house? Your dog is gone. ;)
"Octo" means 8 and an octopus has 8 legs... so where did the "pus" come from?
Have you ever walked through stephen Hawkings House? No? Well..... Neither has he.
Poopy pants! Ha! Got 'em! Use Code Fred_5001 in the Fortnite item shop.
"Your mom gay.exe" has started working.
