Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom Because it has a silent p
What has 8 legs and 2 ears?a dog 🐶
What has two legs but can’t walk? Pants 👖
British MP Sally Ann Hart has filed for divorce citing sexual unfulfillment.
Her husband couldn't fuck her the way her stupidity could.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
A hillbilly female has to decide if she would save her brother or her boyfriend. She chose both because her brother is her boyfriend.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
Have you ever walked past Steven Hawking's house?
No, neither has he.
Waiter says, "Sir, we ran out of ranch, so I had the boys in the back improvise. But don't worry... It has even more zip & twang to it!"
I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.
What's the difference between a water bottle and Africa?
One has water; the other one doesn’t.
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
My friend has a dog who looks like cocoa. Her name is Cocoa!
What month has 28 days?
All of them.
Jeffy: I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.
Blonde: Can I suck you off? (has STDs on mouth)
Me: Naw (drake turn/dab)
I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.
What do you say when your brother has too many jeans?
"Gene-ious!"
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.
