Guarantee jokes

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Steven Hawking's Sesh Cave, entry 50p, guaranteed Budweiser and ecstasy. Maybe a gram of heroin. You'll most likely see a mental 90-year-old guy absolutely going mental on the dance floor with a Stella in one hand and another on his crotch.

Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.

What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a boomerang?

The boomerang is guaranteed to come back.

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?

A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.

The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

Sure?

I have good faith in the glue police. They usually stick to their word.

Good luck, Gwen, with everything!

Neona (😟): I bet you I'm not going to get that job at all!

Gwen (😌): Yeah well, I believe in you.

Neona (😔): You got the job, and am I still waiting for them to call me and remind me that I will, but I won't get it. Anyway, I need to prepare for a job that I won't get.

Gwen (😠): Neona, you just don't got enough confidence. You got to have confidence in life. I know you will get the job. I do now. Just believe instead of giving up!

Neona (😞): UGH fine!!!

Gwen (😉): I'll see you at that job interview!!!! Put a smile on your face, too!

Neona (😊): Okay...Gwen, you're the best!

Hey Gwen, reply to me and say if everything is alright.

What does an Irish bowler put in his hands to guarantee a wicket next ball?

A bat.