God jokes
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
Why is the elephant headed God the true God?
Because he doesn't exist!
Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.
Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.
Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.
Conclusion: Therefore he exists.
What did Allah say when he created the universe?
-Allahu akbar!!!
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
God said, "Let there be light," and it was lit!
A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.
“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.
“It’s because God made you special,” she said.
“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”
Stephen Hawking said there is no God.
2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawking.
These jokes cheered me up from suicide. This is amazing material. God bless all of you.
Why did God make pigs before politicians?
He just needed some practice.
Which brand of underwear does Thor wear?
Asgard.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
Why does God hate me?
Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.
Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
[God creating Asians] “Alright, and the design is finished, see our new model, the Asian. It has no hair at all.”
Angel asks, “Does it eat normal food?”
God replies, “(chuckling) Oh no, not at all.”
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.