God bless the shooting that happened.
God is fake
God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.
THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!
You wanna hear a good joke, kiddos?
Gods being real. (Newsflash, all gods are manmade. THEY'RE ALL FICTION!)
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldnāt find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldnāt fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didnāt think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, Iām a window washer on the 8th floor. Iām washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, Iām in a refrigerator..."
Miss Kadie, I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church is having a party for kicking out 99999 gay people.
Pastor: Welcome to the gay matters church.
Miss Kadie: Stop that, you know that God hates gay people.
Me: Stop that, vegan teacher.
Pastor: You deserve to die.
- I attack
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?
When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.
People were scared of the alligator because it ate everyone, so they called for the water god Aquarius.
He said "Sea ya later, alligator!" and he drowned.
My friend: You're so skinny, you never miss the elevator when it's closing. You just slip right through!š
Me thinking it's a gift from God: š“ļøš
Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.
Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."
God is good. God is great.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK MY CLOTHES CAUGHT THE FLAME OH MY GOD IT BURNS SO MUCH!"
*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*
One night, a father heard his daughter saying good night.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good night, Mamah."
"Good bye, Papa."
The next day her papa died.
He heard her saying them a month later.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good bye, Mamah."
The next day her mamah died.
Well, her dad was scared for his life. He knew he was next. Well, his daughter said them again.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good bye, Dad."
The next day, the mail man dropped dead on their porch.
"Iām on a hunt for my wifeās murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wifeās been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. Iām still looking for him."
When God had to take a shit from making a good wife, you pasted between his ass cheeks...
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
