Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.
Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.
Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.
Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.
I just found out I'm colorblind!
The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!
I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.
It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders all over the windshield.
I carried a magnet, then people found me very attracting.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.
Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.
The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”
As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.
The mother and her daughter went to the store. After they arrived, the daughter looked around and ran off somewhere. The mother realized this and took off looking for her. After a while, she found her tugging on a black man. The mother asked, "What are you doing?" and the daughter replied, "I wan't the chocolate!"
When Stephen Hawking found out about physics, he was speechless.
I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.
I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.
The greatest playwright in history found he couldn’t use lances. He could only use "Shake-spears."
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
