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Found jokes

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

Most people say I'm a clown. Yet they don't laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me because I'm a "clown". Yet I'm not the center of the circus. But I know I'm gonna be a clown forever. Because I can't take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.

Weeks later: Finally I found out why I'm being called a clown...because my smiling face is fake...

My wife found a rock and asked if it was expensive, and I said it "leavarite". She said, "Is that expensive?" and I told her, "Leave it right there."

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

Papyrus: Sans, can you call Undyne for me and tell her that I found a human!

Sans: Sure bro, lemme just get on the Tele-bone.

Papyrus: Ssssaaaaannnnsss!!!!!!

Sans: Yea bro.

Papyrus: You know what? I will tell Undyne instead.

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

  • 6

    • My disabled dad went to the grocery store.

    He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.

    Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.

    Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

    The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

    Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.

    Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.

    Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.

    Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.

    A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

    What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.

    I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

    I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

  • 2

    • My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.

    It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.

    Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

    She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

    Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders all over the windshield.

    It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

    It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.