Excellence jokes

The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,

"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,

"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,

"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,

"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

Q. Why is Stephen Hawking so good at air guitar?

A. Because he has excellent string theory.

I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.

Why do Asians excel at math?

Because their dog can never eat their homework.

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?

It had excellent mussel memory.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

Yo son so excellent, he gone to a Rubik’s cube competition who competed against his daddy.

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.

The Hodja purchased a piece of meat at the market, and on his way home he met a friend.

Seeing the Hodja's purchase, the friend told him an excellent recipe for stew.

"I'll forget it for sure," said the Hodja. "Write it on a piece of paper for me."

The friend obliged him, and the Hodja continued on his way, the piece of meat in one hand and the recipe in the other. He had not walked far when suddenly a large hawk swooped down from the sky, snatched the meat, and flew away with it.

"It will do you no good!" shouted the Hodja after the disappearing hawk. "I still have the recipe!"

Aiden's the best, in any contest, and no matter what, he'll kick your butt!

When this guy fell off a cliff, he got an A+ for egg-cellence!

I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.

Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?

Students: Eggs.

Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?

Kids: Bacon.

Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?

Kids: Homework.

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

I bet China can be the best baseball team. They took out the entire world with just a bat.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?

I am a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.