my grandfather has the heart of a lion!!đŚ
in a jar on his desk along with a lifetime ban from the zoo.....
Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.
That one dyslexic kid thinking heâs Superman:
My friend said, "Dude, if you don't put your desk in line with the column, you're gay." So he did it, and I said, "Well, I guess now he's straight." ;D
Why canât orphans go to the hospital? The front desk always asks, âWhere are your parents?â
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"Youâre not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No, you donât, Iâm not going to accept that. Itâs late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact, I donât," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I donât care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isnât home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesnât need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.
He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, âVoodoo Dick, the door!â
The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. âVoodoo Dick, the lamp!â The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashierâs desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. âVoodoo Dick, return to your box!â The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: âThe cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,â says the cashier. âYou must never forget that!â
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, âVoodoo Dick, my pussy!â The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just canât get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, âHelp, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it wonât come out!â
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
âVoodoo Dick my ass, bitch.â
Just before Lockdown began, a woman took her 15 yr old son Tom, and 14, 16 and 18 yr old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14 year old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week the 16 year oldâs shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18 yr oldâs belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14 year old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until heâd talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
âLook, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. Iâm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We donât have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?â
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45 pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
