Contraception jokes
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A swallow.
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?
She wanted to be for sure for sure!
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
1+1=3
If you don't use a condom.
What’s the best form of contraception?
Being a soccer fan.
A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.
Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”
What is an example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
What's better than having unprotected sex? Getting an abortion.
Hogwarts is making a new condom. It's called "fetus deletus."
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
"I'd love to give everyone another shot."
Harry, 26, works at the women's clinic.
When recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.
Conversely, you can recycle a condom quite easily: just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
Why would you make jokes about birth control?
It's a great labour-saving invention.