Contraception jokes
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A swallow.
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?
She wanted to be for sure for sure!
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
1+1=3
If you don't use a condom.
What’s the best form of contraception?
Being a soccer fan.
A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.
Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”
What is an example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
Hogwarts is making a new condom. It's called "fetus deletus."
What's better than having unprotected sex? Getting an abortion.
Condoms are for pussies.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay guys can play Star Wars.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.