My wife and I have been married over 30 years. But don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom. I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress...ewww!" "Shut up and leave the bedroom."
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life
The other day my wife said "take me someplace I have never been before, I said why don't you try the kitchen! "
I woke up on the floor this morning ,I think I woke up on the wrong side thou
I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.
*was actually up all night watching*
It was 7:00am when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep, he got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat, "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely, Billy replied with "whatever dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that's why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." . Says that little boy: "But mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and sheblows his belly up again!"
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F... OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha yeah she was mad. Anyways thats why your mother and I are getting a divorce Timmy.
Daughter: I know this is weird but I feel like that someone is watching me when I am sleeping.
Father: Sorry
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
A boy walks into the bedroom and sees mom and dad having sex. The boy says,"What are you doing?" "Baking a cake." The next day he walked up to his mom doing dishes. "Remember when you were making a cake? I LICKED UP ALL THE FROSTING."
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?
A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
How does a blonde turn the light off after sex? She closes the car door
Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, Don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."
At night I became a mattress murderer
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
