What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”
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A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Change the damn diaper, you idiot.”
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
I watched the series of "Unfortunate Events" 4 times, all the shows 4 times. I am crying. I am trying to finish the rest, then my brother comes in and says it is PG (Parental Guidance). After that, my brother called me a baby, then he pushed me off my bed. 😭
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?
Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"
What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
How many babies does it take to paint wheels red?
It depends on your speed.
Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"
She pulls out a knife and fork.
Why can't you ever fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn't born yesterday!
Hey, I broke up with your girl.
-Me: What? Why?
Wait, what?
-Me: You f**ked her, so it's your baby.
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up a dead baby's ass.
What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture your bedtime.
What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?
The nun gets pregNUNt.
I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. But then I was born.
But in my defense, I was young then, and I had a womb without a view.
