I accidentally sucked my own ball sack.
When you accidentally wipe a little too hard and your finger goes up your bumhole, triggering flashbacks of when you were 10 and your uncle stayed a few weeks. đ
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.
I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.
I just got my doctorâs test results and Iâm really upset about it. Turns out, Iâm not gonna be a doctor.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I donât even care.
Today, I asked my phone âSiri, why am I still single?â and it activated the front camera.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, âI really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!â
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
Donât challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless youâre prepared for the reaper cushions.
I donât have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. âYou canât cut me down,â the tree exclaims, âIâm a talking tree!â The man responds, âYou may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.â
My mom died when we couldnât remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to âbe positive,â but itâs hard without her.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both canât be found.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Do you know the phrase âOne manâs trash is another manâs treasureâ? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, âThis isnât working.â Iâm not sure what heâs talking about. I opened the fridge door and itâs working fine!
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasnât a mourning person.
Itâs important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words âantidoteâ and âanecdote,â one of my best friends would still be alive.
Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I donât find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
Give a man a match, and heâll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, âDo you have any last requests?â âYes,â replies the murderer. âCan you please hold my hand?â
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
You know youâre not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
Whatâs red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
What did the Titanic say as it sank? Iâm nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, âBach, Bach, Bach.â
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. Theyâre always so twisted.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they donât live in a swing state.
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.
Youâre not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Whatâs the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.
I made a website for orphans. It doesnât have a home page.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isnât talking to me.
Why canât Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because heâs dead.
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, âWhatâs that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?â and mum said, âItâs a bush, every girl has one!â Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, âDaddy, whatâs that long thing?â The dad then says, âItâs a sexy boyâ accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, âWhat does sexy mean?â And the dad says, âYour mother, of course,â making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, âYouâre so so sexy!â
I accidentally said, "Go cry to your mom," to an orphan. đ
Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"
Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says Iâm okay, but I feel like Iâve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldnât build a car out of spaghetti. You shouldâve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, âWhatâs your favorite kind of music?â The other says, âIâm a big metal fan.â
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didnât the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I canât drink coffee anymore. Or else theyâll ground me!
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isnât talking to me.
So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.
Little Red Riding Hood has to deliver food to her grandma again. She can drive now because she is sixteen. One the way, she accidentally took the wrong way and got to a different forest where her grandma lives now. She found the wrong cottage that looked like her grandma's home. When she opened the door, she found her younger and older sisters of ages 9, 11, 18, and 22. How old is Little Red Riding Hood?
Answer: 16
Once, a mother worked in an orphanage as a cooker. She had a son and a daughterâtwins.
When she was going to her work, she decided to take the twins with her. They were happy, they got ready and played with other children while their mother was cooking for other kids. Then, a poor family entered the orphanage. They said they wanted to adopt twins. As soon as they saw the children playing, they noticed the woman's kids. They said they wanted to adopt them. The manager said they weren't orphans, but before he said it, a teacher accidentally gave them to the poor family under the names of Layla and Logan. The kids were Kyle and Kayla. They went away with their new children, but the kids cried, they said they weren't orphans and that their mother was in the orphanage, cooking. The poor family didn't believe, they thought it was the children's reaction of getting adopted. The woman went outside of the kitchen, she didn't see her children. She asked the teacher... And when she found out, she screamed and ran outside. She was running at the poor family, when they thought she was a psychopath and wanted to kill them.
When Kyle and Kayla looked back, they saw their mother. They swung their hands so the poor family could let them away. They ran to their mother and hugged her. The poor family got shocked and called the cops. But the mother, she showed the documents and her parent rights. This all explains the worst joke, "Yo Momma Lost Ya."
A FedEx plane was carrying 375 fridges across Africa, but the cargo door wasn't shut properly, and only 218 reached the desired destination. The rest landed in a remote village. How many fell out the plane?
Time's up! You took too long; you only had 4 seconds to answer it.
How do you put an elephant into the fridge that pushed out the cargo door?
Open the fridge, put the elephant in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant. Then put in the giraffe and close the door.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she got hit by the other 156 refrigerators.
How did she survive?
Her idiot mother tried to pull her out and accidentally ripped both her arms off, but she was rescued 8 minutes later.
A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps on a cockroach.
They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.
