I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
Worst Jokes Ever
90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.
I'm as straight as a rainbow.
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
What did the plane say to the Twin Towers?
Nothing, planes can't talk.
Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
What is the most awkward moment when Helen Keller is playing pin the tail on the donkey?
Her friends aren’t sure whether to blindfold her.
What was the scariest thing Helen Keller ever read?
The waffle iron.
Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.
"How would you describe a really bad skeleton?"
"Bad to the bone!" (Or "Rotten to the bone" if you want.)
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Why don't Indians play baseball?
Every time they reach a corner, they make a shop.
Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"
Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
[pause] You said you’d never forget.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby who?
Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.
What’s worse than George Bush doing 9/11? Jeffrey Epstein doing nine Elevens.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson.
Why does a queen have more mobility than the king in chess?
Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.
He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”
The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”
