Worst Jokes Ever
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
What's a Mexican's favorite video game?
Borderlands.
What's simultaneously up and down?
A retard on a plane.
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross country.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
Why is flour retarded?
Because it's in-bread.
What is a vegetarian's favorite song?
No beef.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.