Worst Jokes Ever

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

Your mama is so nasty.

She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.

What comes after 69?

Period.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

I'd tell a bad baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Have you ever thought about the fact that every market in Africa is a black market?

Why can’t orphans have phones?

Because it has a home button.

Why don’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can’t get a home run.

What’s the difference between a gun and liberals?

Guns only have one trigger.

This place is gonna boom in a few days, just like the towers.

Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.