Worst Jokes Ever

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

I am sick and tired of horror movies; it is always the stupid ones that die first. When you see a guy in a dark, bloody coat and a knife, he ain't there to just look at yah run; don't scream, run!

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

We don't read backwards.

The Cheerio Joke

Let's say you're in high school, and your popularity level was based on what Cheerio you are. So there's Extra-Frosty Cheerios as the most popular kids, the frosted Cheerios were the popular kids, the Regular Cheerios as the typical normal kid, then there's the honey nut Cheerios as the nerds and geeks, and then there's your Cheerio which is the Chocolate Cheerios. Now you want to ask this girl who's an extra frosty, you go up to her and ask her to Homecoming, but she declines.

So after school gets out, you go home and rewind. The next day you wake up feeling like a honey nut Cheerio, so you go up to her again and ask her again, she still says no. So you go home and rewind again and wake up the next morning feeling like a Regular Cheerio. So you go to school and ask her again, she still declines. So you go home and rewind again. The next morning, you wake up feeling like a frosty Cheerio. So you go up to her and ask again, still says no. Then you go home and unwind. The next day you wake up feeling like an extra frosty Cheerio. Feeling doubtful, you go up to her one last time and ask her. She finally says yes.

The next day is Homecoming, and you and your date are on the dance floor, and she wants punch. So she tells you that she's going to go get punch. She goes and gets punch and is back in 30 seconds. You ask her why it was so fast. She replies with; "Oh there wasn't a punch line."

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?

Shooting up schoolchildren.

What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?

The Inbredibles.

Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.

He just moved back in with his mom.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Tell a dark joke to an orphan, then hit them. They'll get the punchline right away.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Once I'm done choking you,

You will be too.

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for ya?

I love Brussel sprouts more than I love myself.

A hillbilly female has to decide if she would save her brother or her boyfriend. She chose both because her brother is her boyfriend.

Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.

What is the order of finish?

1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.

2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.

3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

Have you ever walked past Steven Hawking's house?

No, neither has he.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite type of comedy? Stand up.