Worst Jokes Ever

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

This is a lot like anal sex.

You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.

So a blond and a brunette jumped out of a plane. Who hit the ground first?

The blond because she had to ask for directions.

What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing...

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

¿Qué hizo el cartero enojado?

Estampó su feeeeeeet!!!

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.

The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."

What do you call a Mongolian swindler?

A Khan artist.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!

Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?

Because it's finger lickin' good!

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.