Worst Jokes Ever
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
7 little children gathered around the bed Bill Cosby's fantasy.
All he wants to do is tickle the kids, it's as plain as can be.
7 cellmates gathered around the bed ready to rape Bill Cosby instead.
Two boys are talking on the bus.
Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?
Boy 1: Oh, that's right.
What do you call a homeless bounty hunter?
Hobo Fett!
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
What do you call a lesbian? Me.
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
Sniff a liter of petrol. You'll go back to the dream time at.
What did the downs kid get on his math test??
Drool.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
This Chinese girl didn't know what a sausage roll was, so I replied, "It's like a spring roll with sausage in it, but not any dog or cat how you have it."
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.