Worst Jokes Ever

I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?

Because he had a ton of sick beets.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.

What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.

Unfortunately, NASCAR has been canceled.

The woke people heard that it was a human traffic ring.

Why should you never make height jokes about dwarfs?

It goes right over their head.

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

What's the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Their kneecaps.

What is Jimmy Savile's favorite Roblox game?

"Undress to Impress."

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.