Worst Jokes Ever

You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

So, there were kids in the bus, and half of them were white, and the other half was black.

All the kids wanted to sit at the back, so the bus driver said to all the kids, "Stop fighting. From now on, everyone is now green." So, the bus driver said to all the kids, "Dark green go to the front, and light green at the back."

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.

What did the Indian say to the fat man?

"Curry up!"

Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.

Teacher and kid.

Kid: Hey, teacher.

Teacher: Yes?

Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

This is a lot like anal sex.

You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.

So a blond and a brunette jumped out of a plane. Who hit the ground first?

The blond because she had to ask for directions.

What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing...

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

¿Qué hizo el cartero enojado?

Estampó su feeeeeeet!!!

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.

The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."

What do you call a Mongolian swindler?

A Khan artist.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.