Worst Jokes Ever

Roses are red, violets are blue, You think violets are blue, what the hell is wrong with you?

Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.

Rock, paper, lesbians.

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"

Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"

Commander: "Fire a warning shot."

Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."

Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."

Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*

Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

Ever wonder why pandas are endangered? Well, China's overcrowded, and therefore they're starving. They have to eat...

Panda: "My god. They're coming! Run! They're hungry! Run! Roll down the hill!"

Chinese People At Bottom Of Mountain With Spears: "Ching chong wing bong KABOB!!!"

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What did the suicidal leprechaun say?

"Irish I was dead."

All Asians look the same.

What do you call a smart blonde?

Nonexistent.

What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?

Ask Boeing.

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."

How do clarinet players play a song?

They reed their music.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.