Worst Jokes Ever
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.
They say people are 75% water.
But I'm 100% useless.
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
Stop making autism jokes, calling us "retards." It is not cool.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
When her head game is so strong, she sucks the chromosome right out of you.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
Your clown is so stupid it took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.