Worst Jokes Ever

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? -- To keep his ankles warm.

Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

Why did Beethoven have trouble finding a music teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn.