Worst Jokes Ever

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"

Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?

Kids: Because you're a psycho path.

Q: Why did the islamic chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the airport.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

Why do midgets work at Tesco?

Because every little helps.

A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.

Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?

Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.

Store owner: But still, why?

Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.

Store owner: Oh, I get it now!

What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?

They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get out of me.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get in my mouth, oh how I wanna taste you.

Oh, butt plug, oh butt plug, something is nutty.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Instead of Edward Scissorhands, I’m Edwardscissor wrists.

What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"