Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
Worst Jokes Ever
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.
How do flat-earthers travel?
On a plane.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
Why did Little Johnny drop his ice cream?
Because he got hit by a bus.
