Worst Jokes Ever

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

I remember the time Gordon Ramsay did an African food episode... too bad it was so short he couldn’t find any.

I remember the time that Gordon Ramsay did an African food episode... it was a short episode. Too bad he couldn’t find any.

What do you call a man with no hands? Clapless.

Green beans, potato salad with the one that was in the fridge for me.

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

What talks high pitched and can't fly?

A gay man in Iran.

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

If you punch an orphan, they can't do anything; they can't tell their parents.

What did the traffic light say to the truck?

"Don't look, I'm about to change!"

What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common?

Once they're gone, they never come back.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

"Peado van, peado van, stay away, peado van, peado van, take her away."

I can't afford food, I can't afford childcare, might as well just get the money out of her.

What is black, white, and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"

The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"

Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.

Why can’t Asian people play baseball?

Why?

'Cause they ate the bat!