My friend and I were playing Poker... And my friend also beat me with Jackass.
Worst Jokes Ever
Q: Why did the cow touch an electric fence?
A: Because it wanted to get electrocowted! 🐄
Little Johnny died.
What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
"I wanna sock in the eye so bad!"
Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.
A: Is that why I never see you sweat?
What type of alphabet does an elf learn?
The elf-abet.
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?
So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.
What would you name a mummified squirrel?
Perhaps... Mumford?
Warning: If you're planning to look here for jokes about the FOOD nuts, don't bother. It's filled with penis jokes.
Why do orphans not like the movie Frozen?
Because for them, love isn't an open door.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, it just waved.
My teacher: Time can't count.
Me: Every second counts.
My teacher: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh!
What is white and sticky?
Glue.
Why couldn't an orphan use a fighter jet?
Because he couldn't use the homing missiles.
Pick up line for girls with the last name "Berg":
"I may be a tall glass of whiskey, but I'm nothing without a few ice Bergs."
Why do planets circle the sun?
'Cause they like the game of ring-around-the-rosy.
Son: Mom, can I borrow $50?
Mom: What? NO WAY! Do you think money grows on trees?
Son: Mom, what is money made of?
Mom: Paper.
Son: Where does paper come from?
Mom: . . .