I took my mother-in-law out today...
I love being a sniper.
Worst Jokes Ever
I am sooooooo bored, Gwen, can you please get on, or anybody, since I'm weirdly obsessed with Gwen.
I farted, try me. You farted? Oh no, we all farted.
The plane crashed, but I did too on a pillow.
You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.
I fucked your mum last night, that she was salty.
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the chicken coop?
I know I've changed my name from tj to selfish king but know it's gunna be selfishking#781.
Why did LazarBeam kiss a man?
Because he couldn't kiss Fresh; he was already gay.
Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?
Mike said: I don’t know, what?
Jon said: Kinder surprise.
What were my great grandpa's last words?
"SHIT MG42!!!"
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.
The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"
Priests are called father because it would be suspicious to call him daddy.
What show do orphans hate?
"American Dad."
Read my name. 👍🇮🇪
What do you call a reverse exorcism?
It's where a demon pulls a priest out of a child.
Why did the orphan go to the woods? To take a *what*?
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
I have a fish that can break dance. Only for about 20 seconds, and only once.