Worst Jokes Ever
I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
America once was known as an Obama nation. Now we're known as an abomination.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!
What do you call a wild party in a bamboo forest?
Panda-monium!
A girl asks her Asian boyfriend if he wants to eat her pussy. He asks her why she is taking off her clothes, instead of cooking her cat.
What is a retard's favorite race? The grand autismo.
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
What country did Indians invent?
Curry-a.
You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.
What is the best part about eating cake? Your mom.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
One day, an orphan bought a boomerang. He threw it, and it didn’t come back.
A happy little girl was running on the grass. She saw two gay guys kissing in a blank space, and she started crying. The two gay guys heard her crying, and then they asked her: "Why are you crying?" The little girl answered: "This is the first time I see an unnatural nature."
😂😂😂😂
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."