Worst Jokes Ever

What were Princess Diana's last words?

Have you been Dri...?

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.

Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."

Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."

Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.

The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, "Girl, are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb."

Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.

Sans: I like eating ketchup, don't believe me? It's ASRIEL as it gets!

UT Sans to UT pap: You FORGHETTIE the spaghetti!!!

Ink sans: umm lust? That's INKAPPROPRIATE!

Fell sans: I hate these double standards...if you burn a body at a crematorium you're doing "a good job," do it at home and your "destroying evidence."

Error sans: Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.

My life, your life, and your sister is a slut.

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.