Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Worst Jokes Ever
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
Why can North Korea draw a straight line? Because they've got a supreme ruler.
What's the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid? It depends on who's shooting.
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...
Wanna hear a dry joke? A desert.
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
Dark Humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
Bean Dip.
