What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
Worst Jokes Ever
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?
They never get old.
What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.
What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.
What's a rapist's favorite scale?
C Minor.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.
The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.
The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Mom: Shut up and keep licking.
I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.
The Columbine High School basketball team hasn't been the same since they lost their two best shooters.
What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?
McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
