A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.
Have you read "50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and Probly Not?
Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
