This morning jokes

A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."

What did the one-handed man have for breakfast this morning?

Finger food.

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.

Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.

Stephen Hawking missed assembly this morning.