The jokes
Dark humor leave if sensitive: Wives are like grenades: pull the ring, and the house is gone.
What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What's the difference between a piano, a pot of glue, and a tuna fish?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
What about the glue?
I knew you'd get stuck there.
Little Jonny just came back from quarantine with his girlfriend, Sally.
They both said they had to go to the bathroom. When they came back, Sally was coughing up a storm. The teacher said, "You need to be quarantined again."
"No," Sally said, "I was just in the bathroom choking on something that grown-ups, especially women, like." Then the teacher faints.
"Get a life, dum dums!"
Says the fucking moron.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
What do you call people who jumped in the dam?
A dam fool.
The tortoise was swimming through the lake. His head got stuck in plastic. He said, "Oh dam."
The fish swam in litter and oh, dam!
Why was the Cheetah not allowed to do tests?
Because it always cheated.
Why did the cheetah go to school?
To be a cheetah.
Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."
If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
What’s the only long-lasting thing from China?
Covid.
Why was the barber mad because I gave him a buzzcut?
Me and your mom in the bed.
Your eyebrows could make the bushes outside feel jealous.
What borders on stupidity?
Scotland and the EU.
Simpsons.
Meet the Simpsons.
They're the greatest modern family.
From the town of Springfield.
They're a page right out of history.
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? The Wall was their last big hit.