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The jokes

Yo momma's legs are like cottage cheese: white and chunky.

Yo momma's so dirty that when I asked what was for dinner, she sat on the table, opened her legs, and said "Crabs."

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?

'Cause they just wash up onshore.

Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?

To get to the dark side.

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?

They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

I saw a kid crying and asked him where his parents were. He started crying harder.

The ungrateful brat. I see why he is an orphan.

If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.

If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.

Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?

A. They drive slow through school zones.

Johnny, Johnny?

Yes, Papa.

Eating sugar?

Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.

Smoking? Telling lies?

Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.