The jokes

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I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...

How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.

Did you hear about the orphan that tried to high five a tree? It left her hanging.

Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.

Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?

Kid: I don't know.

Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.

Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.

*Officer arrests Elmo*

Elmo: But who wants tickles?

I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

You was reaching into you’re backpack and the whole class jumped through the window.

What’s the difference between a leaf and an emo kid falling out of a tree? The leaf reaches the ground.

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.