The jokes
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? -- Because the octopus was well armed.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
What did Earth say to the other planets?
"You guys have no life!"
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."
What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?
She was fed up with the hole business.
What did music tell the pancakes? -- B flat.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
What has more letters than the alphabet? -- The post office.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 15 years.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.