The jokes
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
He was snowed in.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.
Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs.
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.