The jokes
Yo mama is so fat, she goes to the beach to sell shade.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Yo mama so stupid, she asks for the restroom on Amazon.
Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.
Yo mama played the iceberg in Titanic.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why did the octopus blush?
He saw the bottom of the ocean.
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.